The Elf Dilemma
In the festive buzz of Christmas traditions, I find myself entangled in an unexpected dilemma – shoud the Elf on the Shelf grace our home and become part of our evolving Christmas traditions? As a clinical psychologist and advocate for responsive, gentle, and attachment-focused parenting, this decision has unexpectedly become a complex journey. To be honest, the Elf on the Shelf didn’t register on my parenting radar until a few weeks ago. The whimsical dolls, supposedly Santa’s eyes and ears, seem harmless but carry a not-so-jolly message – behave, or face the risk of no presents on Christmas morning. The elf fulfill’s their duty to Santa through their surveillance of children for the 24 days leading up to Christmas, and with many schools adopting their own elves children find themselves under 24/7 surveillance. The surveillance is unescapable and feels like an unfair burden on children.
Children are naturally inclined to interact with toys and objects around them in their play, and while they learn to follow rules of play this is usually time limited. However, the Elf on the Shelf introduces a different dynamic – a continuous expectation of good behaviour. Touching the elf is forbidden, with an ominous threat of the loss of magic. While it is often not explicitly stated, it is heavily implied that if the elf loses their magic, then they cannot report back to the big man himself and that can only mean one thing – no Christmas presents.
The Elf on the Shelf’s association with rewards clashes with my parenting values. From a behavioural perspective, there is a long-standing belief that rewards can serve as motivation to engage in a specific behaviour – particularly “good” behaviour in children. Many of you I’m sure have heard about Pavlov and his dogs (if you haven’t, a quick google search will tell you all you need to know). However, more recent research has shown that while behaviour can be manipulated in this way, it really is far more complex than that and we need to consider the implications of this approach. Specifically, research has shown that the use of rewards can change the perception of the desired behaviour and what previously may have been something that was actually an enjoyable activity can suddenly be perceived as a chore or burdensome. The shift from intrinsic motivation to compliance raises questions about the unintended messages we send to our children. Does it have the potential to encourage deceitfulness or a motivation to outsmart parents or caregivers? Afterall, the elf is reliant on the presence of an adult to observe the behaviour. Have parents shot themselves in the foot by telling their children that their elf is always watching when this is simply not achievable for any parent in real life?
The elf’s role as a source of power and judgement raises concern for me about my child’s autonomy. They are not making choices about their behaviour based on values, beliefs and morals. Instead, their behaviour is influenced by fear, guilt and shame. Of particular concern to me, is the potential for this to teach children to simply accept what they are told to do without questioning. I can’t help but wonder about the impact of this on their ability to be assertive, particularly with regard to consent and the pressure to conform.
In our family, we refrain from labelling behaviour as “good” or “naughty”. My husband and I view all behaviour as communication, understanding that challenging moments are developmentally appropriate. The Elf of the Shelf, however, seems to categorise behaviour in a way that mirrors outdated notions of parenting. Somewhere along the way the perception of normal child behaviour became twisted and distorted in such a way that it became a reflection or evaluation of the parent. When parents struggled with their child’s behaviour, it was seen as a failure on the part of the parent and something that needed to be controlled. Parents were made to feel shame for their child’s behaviour. Of course no one likes to feel like they have failed and so it was deflected onto the child – the problem was within the child. The child was seen as “naughty” or “bold” and they should do as they were told. We like to think that we have come a long way since the era of “children should be seen and not heard”, but one has to ask how far we have really come if we are now using a plastic doll to try to manage a child’s behaviour?
As a psychologist, my inclination is to steer clear of introducing the Elf on the Shelf. Yet, as a mother, I grapple with the fear of disadvantaging my daughters. The notion of a “silly” elf, focused on fun and excitement has crossed my mind but it comes with its own set of challenges. How do I navigate questions about our elf being different from others? Choosing not to introduce the elf at all also poses questions about potentially dampening the magic or Christmas.
For now, my husband and I have decided to forgo the Elf on the Shelf for this year. It’s a decision we made to grant us time to unravel what feels right for our family. Regardless of the path we choose, navigating this festive conundrum is bound to be a tricky venture. Will you have an elf in your house?
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