Embracing Sleep Leaps: A Holistic Approach to Toddler Sleep
Parenting is a journey of constant adaptation. Just when you think you’ve got a hang of things, a curveball can come your way. And this is especially true when it comes to sleep. Just when you think you’ve got a handle on your child’s sleep routine, something shifts. I recently faced one of these curveballs with my 23-month-old. She had been an excellent napper for months, but all of a sudden one afternoon she became when I lay her down in her cot. My attempts to comfort and soothe her had only a short-term effect and she screamed and cried every time I tried to leave the room. After multiple attempts, naptime that day was cancelled and I took her downstairs with me so that I could tend to her 3-month-old baby sister. And of course this had the knock-on effect of a very tired little girl by the time bedtime rolled around.
Very clearly I could see that something had changed - she was going through what the vast majority of people would refer to as a “sleep regression”. Some mainstream advice would include leaving her to cry it out or use a “put down pick up” approach, or staying and supporting her from a distance.
Let me share with you how I approached this situation as a holistic sleep coach using what I call the D.R.E.A.M. approach to understanding changes to sleep.
Before I get to the finer details of this approach, I would like to take a moment to look at the use of the term “sleep regression”. This is a term that has become commonly associated with infant and child sleep, almost as though it is a right of passage that parents must go through with their little ones. And in some ways, I suppose it is. While these changes to sleep pose challenges to parents as they try to navigate their way through them, they are in fact a very normal part of baby and child development.
Sleep can be considered to have its own developmental stages in the same way that children progress through various developmental stages of physical, emotional and social development.
Unfortunately in recent times, this very normal aspect of development has been pathologised such that it is presented as a problem that must be fixed. Why? Because it sells…plain and simple. The use of language like this pulls on the heartstrings of vulnerable parents and leaves them feeling worried, anxious and perhaps as though they are failing their child in some way. For this reason I do not use the term “regression” and instead describe these sleep changes as sleep “leaps” or “maturation”.
The D.R.E.A.M. approach to exploring and understanding sleep leaps evolved from my knowledge as a holistic sleep coach and my lived experience navigating these leaps with my eldest daughter. It empowers parents and caregivers to look at the changes to their child’s sleep through a holistic lens to understand how best to support their child in just five steps.
D - Define the sleep problem/issue: Start by defining the specific sleep issue your child is encountering. Is it difficulty falling asleep? Night wakings? Early rising? Refusal to go to bed? or something else? In my toddler’s case, the problem was that she was becoming upset when I tried to leave her at naptime and she was having difficulty falling asleep without me.
R - Review potential triggers: Is there anything that may have been a trigger for the sleep problem? What events or changes occurred just before the sleep issue emerged? For example, were they late going for their nap? Did they eat high sugar/caffeine foods close to bedtime? Are they frightened of something? Did they have to leave a fun activity to go to sleep? Identifying triggers is essential in finding effective solutions tailored to your child’s unique personality, temperament and circumstances rather than turning to generalised assumptions. For my toddler, my leaving the room was a trigger for her upset. Perhaps more specifically, leaving the room to go to her sister.
E - Evaluate your approach: Reflect on your role and how you responded to your child’s sleep challenge. Did you offer comfort and support? Where you attuned to their needs in that moment? Or did you take a different route. When I reflected on my role I could see that I had approached naptime in quite a rushed way that particular day. I usually let my toddler know that it will be naptime soon so that she can finish up her play before I take her for a nap. I was also preoccupied by her sister who had woken in the bassinet in the living room just as I got to the top of the stairs. I felt torn in two opposite directions by my girls and if I’m honest I was overwhelmed. While I tried to support and reassure my toddler, I was also impatient and I tried to rush through the separation. When she was calm and settled I told her that I was going downstairs to her sister. Ordinarily this would have been fine but on this occasion it seemed almost like a catalyst for her upset.
A - Assess external factors: Assess external factors that might be affecting your child’s sleep. Have there been alterations to their daily routine, separations from parents, or family difficulties for example. These external factors can play a crucial role in sleep and can provide some insight into the changes you’re seeing in your child’s sleep. I looked at the bigger picture and considered my toddler’s situation outside of sleep and a few important things stood out to me. She had recently become a big sister just 12 weeks prior. With this, came the first time that I had ever left her overnight when I was in hospital having the baby - a total of 4 nights separation. In the days preceding this upset at naptime I noted that she had been re-telling what had happened when I went to hospital as though perhaps she was trying to process it. at 23 months, my toddler is developing a good ability to engage in some age appropriate conversation about her experiences and so I made time to speak to hear about what had happened at naptime later that day when she was calm and settled and I could give her my undivided attention. She managed to tell me that she was sad and that she had been crying at naptime…and then she said “miss you Mammy”. This is where it all started to make sense.
M- Make a plan: After considering these factors, it’s time to formulate a plan to address the sleep challenge effectively in a way that is attuned to your child’s individual needs and circumstances. Taking the time to plan and troubleshoot potential pitfalls can make all the difference. And so I started to make a plan to test my hypothesis - 1) that the separation from me at naptime was difficult, 2)that my toddler needed reassurance that I wasn’t going anywhere, and 3) she needed connection.
The next day I was prepared and approached the naptime differently with the knowledge and insight I now had. I knew that I needed to allow enough time to settle and support my toddler to sleep so I made the decision to delay her nap a little until her younger sister settled to sleep in the bassinet downstairs. As a holistic sleep coach, I recognise the importance of bringing flexibility to sleep so that it best serves the child as an individual and the family as a unit. My priority was to support my toddler to sleep so that she felt safe and reassured at naptime rather than sticking to any schedule - there would be an opportunity to look at the timing of the nap later.
As luck would have it, it was the weekend and my husband was on standby to go to the baby if need which helped to take the pressure off me and allowed me to be fully present with my toddler. I took some time to prepare her for the transition to naptime by letting her know when naptime was near and explaining what would happen. I explained that I would be just downstairs cleaning the kitchen and reassured her that it was OK if she missed me. I turned to a strategy we had used while I was in hospital and reminded her that she could cuddle her special teddy that I “charged” with cuddles everyday or she could call me if she needed me. Everything was going to plan until I brought her upstairs and lay her down in her cot. Immediately she asked for a cuddle - can you guess what I did? Yes you guessed it - I broke the sleep “rules” and I picked her up and cuddled her. I attempted to lay her down again and she started to cry and so I held her a little longer. After a couple of minutes she wiggled her little (not so little now!) body until she lay across my body such that I was now cradling her in my arms. I could feel the tension leave her body.
It struck me me that I held her just like this when she was younger and rocker her to sleep, and now she would watch me do the very same thing with her baby sister.
And so I “regressed” to my old ways of supporting her to sleep - I held her in my arms and rocked her until she was almost asleep. I lay her down in her cot and off she went to the land of nod.
Some mainstream advice and opinions would say that I was molly coddling her, that I was spoiling her, that I was making a rod for my back, or that she would just have to toughen up and get used to it - that we were going backwards instead of forwards. And of course I wholeheartedly disagree.
As a clinical psychologist and holistic sleep coach, I knew that meeting her need for connection, reassurance and comfort in the short-term would lead to longer term gains of independent napping.
I knew that if I did not meet these needs, I would only prolong her upset and find myself in a situation that was not sustainable and that would leave me feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. While my toddler was going through a stage of growing independence each day, with this also came the need to feel safe, cared for, and loved. She needed to feel that she mattered. She was learning to adjust to sharing her mammy with her younger sister. Not all sleep changes or sleep leaps can be defined by specific age points, and sometimes I feel as though putting generic age points on sleep leaps can lead to an unintentional dismissal of the child’s experience at the time and a missed opportunity to really dig deep and understand what it is that they need.
The next day I took the same approach, but this time she was happy for me to leave the room when I lay her down. I heard her call me on the monitor after about 10 minutes and I waited as she pulled her teddy close for a cuddle. After another 5 minutes she called me again and I immediately went to her. She stood up in her cot and said “mammy up cuddle please”. This was a move in the right direction - she was telling me what she needed instead of getting upset. And just like the day before, I held her in my arms and rocked her. This time she almost immediately started to drift off to sleep and I was able to lay her down in her cot after just a few minutes. On the third day, she called me for a cuddle again but she was happy for me to lay her back down while awake, and on the fourth day she lay happily in her cot chatting to her teddies before drifting off to sleep.
I hope that sharing this snapshot into my journey in navigating my toddler’s sleep leap shows the power of understanding and responding to a child’s emotional needs and is testament to the philosophy that has guided my personal life as a parent and professional life as a clinical psychologist and holistic sleep coach: “We connect, we nurture, and our children thrive”.
Remember this is just a snapshot of how I went about understanding and navigating this sleep leap. Follow me on Instagram to find out more about how I also integrated more moments of connection in our day to support my daughter through this sleep leap.
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