Navigating Parenthood: Responding with Compassion in Moments of Overwhelm
As a clinical psychologist and a mother, I've always been fascinated by the intricate dance between our psychological needs, our brain's responses, and the challenges of real-life parenting. Recently, a seemingly simple event served as a profound reminder of the power of pausing, reflecting, and responding to our children's needs with empathy and understanding. So grab a cup of coffee and settle in while I share a little slice of real-life parenting with you.
Picture this: it's early morning, the sun is just starting to peek through dark grey clouds, and my house is humming with the delightful frenzy that comes with having two under two. It was one of those mornings, with the juggling act of caring for a newborn while also ensuring that my eldest felt loved and attended to.
It was a delicate dance of feeding my newborn and cuddling my eldest to re-fill her cup after her nightly separation in her own room. Our daily routine was momentarily disrupted as my toddler needed me a little more than usual.
But right at that moment, I also had my own needs - I desperately needed to pee! A brief window opened for me to escape to the en-suite and I went for it. As I walked away from the bed and the door closed behind me, the sound of tears filled the air and my heart ached as I could sense my eldest daughter's distress escalating in the other room. My husband's attempts to comfort her seemed to be backfiring, making the situation worse.
My initial reaction was frustration. Those precious few minutes in the bathroom were a rare oasis of self-care. With a newborn just two weeks old, the challenge of carving out time for myself was mounting. Before her arrival, evenings had offered some respite, but now they were consumed by night feedings and nappy changes. These bathroom escapes, although not quite luxurious, sometimes felt like a lifeline. In that moment of frustration, I was caught up in feeling like I couldn't meet even my basic needs and I was overwhelmed by being needed so very much after a long night of cluster feeding my youngest. The "mammy....maaaammmyyy" through the tears was like sensory overload. I thought, "Give me a break!" and "Can I please just pee in peace?" - we've all been there right?.
And just as the next thought came to mind, I heard my husband say it aloud from the room next door - "She's fine. She's crying over nothing". Of course my husband's well-intentioned words were an attempt to reassure me that he had it all in hand, but hearing them aloud made me pause for a moment. They brought up something deep-rooted for me.
As a practitioner who prides themeslves on applying evidence-based practices, and gentle, responsive, and attachment-focused parenting approaches, I recognised the importance of responding rather than reacting, even amidst the backdrop of daily challenges. The words "crying over nothing" echoed in my mind, prompting me to pause for a moment to reconsider the situation. We've all experienced overwhelm - those moments when our own needs feel compromised. It is in these moments that we are more likely to be reactive as the amygdala takes the reins in our parenting brain. The amygdala is the emotional center of our brain and our reactions when driven by the amygdala can be impulsive and lead us to make rash choices. That moment of pause allowed me to bring the hippocampus back online - the seat of context and understanding in the brain that allows us to be more balance and empathetic so that we can respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively (find out more about the parenting brain here).
I reminded myself that all behaviour is communication, and my daughter's tears were her way of expressing something deeper. While it may have seemed to me that her immediate needs were being met by my husband in that moment, her tears spoke of an adjustment period, a journey of sharing her mother with a new sibling.
Her tears communicated a deep-seated need for connection and reassurance. Her world had shifted overnight and the separation while I was in hospital triggered an emotional response rooted in her need for security and comfort.
That moment of pause became a transformative moment as I re-entered the room with a different perspective. No longer driven by frustration, I returned to the bedroom and called my eldest daughter over to sit beside me on the end of the bed. I held her close as I cuddled and kissed her. I acknowledged that it was hard for her when I went to the bathroom when she really needed to cuddle a little while longer. I recognised that she missed me (even thought my adult brain at first felt that this was irrational seeing as I was just in the bathroom). And we stayed like this until she felt calm again.
This experience reminded me that every tear has meaning, every cry is expressing an unmet need. By allowing ourselves to pause and respond with empathy, we create a safe space for our children to navigate their emotions and forge deeper connections. Remember, our journeys as parents are marked by these moments of pause, reflection and growth. We won't always get it right and we will make many mistakes along the way but by leaning into these moments we create opportunities to connect with and nurture our little ones so that we support them in building a foundation of emotional well-being so that they can truly thrive.
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