Navigating the Waves of Motherhood: From First-time Jitters to Seasoned Confidence
I wear many hats – clinical psychologist, holistic sleep coach, and a mother of two adorable girls. Today, let's dive into the whirlwind of emotions that is motherhood. I want to delve into the profound topic of fear and anxiety that often accompanies the transition into motherhood. We'll do this by revisiting an Instagram post I penned four weeks after my first baby arrived and by peeking into my thoughts as a mother for the second time.
In that Instagram post, I shared the unexpected fear that came with motherhood, despite my meticulous preparations. It's true; no amount of reading, classes, or well-intentioned advice can fully prepare you for the emotional whirlwind that is motherhood.
Normally, I'm pretty laid-back. I usually live by the motto that things will work themselves out. But now that I had become a mother, fear became a constant companion, and it wasn’t a welcome one.
As a psychologist, I understood that our brains go through some serious rewiring during pregnancy to protect our little bundles. We become super alert and cautious to keep our babies safe. Suddenly, we spot dangers we never saw before, like that tiny baby groan in the middle of the night. But you know what? Knowing this didn't prepare me for the real deal. It hit me like a tonne of bricks shortly after having my first baby with a trip to the maternity hospital emergency unit when I became unwell. I didn't even think about my own well-being. All I could think about was my baby.
It wasn't my own well-being that concerned me; it was the overwhelming responsibility of caring for my tiny baby. The 'what if's' flooded in. What if I couldn't stay with her in the hospital? What if I couldn't breastfeed her? What if I had to be separated from her? It was a cascade of anxious thoughts.
Looking back, I realise that fear started the moment our little one arrived. Those first nights in the hospital when she'd only sleep in my arms - magical yet nerve-wracking. The fear of making a mistake, of not keeping her safe, led to sleepless nights. And then, more fears started creeping in – too hot, too cold, choking, falling off the changing table, or the dreaded thought of her not breathing in her sleep.
Although I didn’t see it at the time, I can't stress this enough: these fears are totally normal. Our brains are wired this way to protect our little ones. If you're a new mother, please know that experiencing these fears doesn't make you a bad mother. Trust me, in those sleep-deprived moments, it's easy to get swept up in these thoughts. With time and experience, these fears do ease. If you are a first-time mama, I promise you, it does get better. As you get more comfortable with your baby, those fears start to fade a bit. Sure, fear will always be there, but it becomes more manageable. Fast forward to my second time as a mother to a newborn, and some fears have lessened with experience, more knowledge and understanding, and my training as a holistic sleep coach. But, you know what? Most of them are still hanging around. I can't tell if I'm really less fearful or if I've just become used to these feelings as part of motherhood. Even though I’ve walked this road before less than two years ago, these same fears still show up for me. But what has changed is my knowing that this is normal, it will get better, and most important of all - it’s OK to ask for help when I need it.
It brings to mind some words of wisdom my consultant shared with me during my first pregnancy. She said, “We all think that the anxiety will go away when our babies are safely in our arms…but this is just the start of it. That worry will always be there even as they grow”. And she was right. My first-born is long past those newborn days and still I worry. I worry is she meeting her developmental milestones? Is she healthy? Am I doing enough for her? Will she resent me for bringing another baby into our family dynamic? Am I good enough? The worry and fear we feel as mothers is not something that we can get rid of or push away - we are hardwired to do this to keep our babies safe. Now when those fears show up for me I say to myself, "thanks mind...you're doing a really good job of helping me to keep my baby safe".
So, to all mothers out there, whether you're just starting or on your second or third journey, remember, it's okay to feel fear. It means you care deeply, and that's a beautiful thing. Embrace the fear, acknowledge it, and let it guide you in keeping your precious little one safe. We’re all on this rollercoaster together!
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